Strategies to Help Autistic People Move Forward with Their Grief

This comprehensive toolkit explores ways that Autistic people may navigate through experiences of death or other lived experiences that cause deeply felt personal loss. Its purpose is to increase understanding and support for Autistic people.

This resource is broken into three parts of a series on Grief. Please click on the table of contents below to view all parts of the series:

Part 1: The Autistic Experience of Grief:

1. The unique ways Autistic people may process grief
2. Experiences that may trigger the grief process
3. Physical, Emotional, and Behavioural Signs of Autistic Grief

Part 2: Supporting Your Autistic Loved One or Friend Experiencing Grief:

1. Tips for families and friends wanting to support Autistic people through grief and loss
2. Practical advice to help Autistic children prepare for and cope with death

Part 3: Strategies to Help Autistic People Move Forward with Their Grief:

1. Self-help strategies for Autistic people navigating grief
2. How to recognize when professional help may be needed
3. What to look for to find a neurodiversity-affirming therapist
4. Loss and Grief Resources for further reading

Whether you’re Autistic or supporting someone who is, this resource offers a helpful and compassionate approach to understanding and navigating Autistic grief and loss.

At AIDE Canada, we prioritize sharing Autistic voices and lived experiences. To that end, we reached out to identify and contract Autistic people willing to share their grief experiences and perspectives. We asked those lived-experience contributors to describe how their specific loss and subsequent grief was experienced. You can read all the submissions here. Alternatively, you can choose the grief topic in which you are most interested, to read what our neurodivergent writers shared about it, how they coped, and what advice have they offer. Just click on the drop-down menu within various sections of the toolkit to do so.

 

Part 3: Strategies to Help Autistic People Move Forward with Their Grief

Section A: Self-Help Strategies for Autistic People Experiencing Grief or Loss

Grief often feels like an overwhelming wave of emotions and may be accompanied by a physical sense of heaviness in the centre of the chest. The grief process can be excruciatingly painful for Autistic people, as it can be for all of humankind.

Where Autistic people differ, however, is in the breadth and scope of life events that can trigger grief, one of life’s most difficult experiences.

Both Autistic and non-Autistic people traditionally experience grief following the death of someone special in their lives, the death of a pet, or following an unwanted divorce from a much-loved partner. However, Autistic people also may suffer from grief that results from losses not traditionally associated with grief.

As discussed earlier in the toolkit, losses that might be experienced as deeply disappointing or very sad to other people can trigger the painful turmoil of the grief process for an Autistic person: the loss of a prized possession, of a love interest, or that associated with a late-in-life diagnosis are just a few examples.

Given that Autistic people may have to endure the grief process more frequently than those who experience it only as a result of more traditional causes, it is so important to understand ways to support them through it.

Fortunately, there are self-help strategies Autistic people can use to ease the turmoil that may accompany the grief process. This section offers suggestions across different areas of functioning to help Autistic people find a way through grief. It will give an overview of social, communication, and sensory supports that can be initiated, along with emotional, cognitive, community, and behaviour support that may help the person manage daily chores and responsibilities.

 

Social Supports: Ideas for the Autistic Person

*This section addresses Autistic readers

If you have supportive family or friends, staying connected to them can be an important part of coping with grief. Regular contact with trusted people can help reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. However, not everyone has someone available—and that is both understandable and okay. There are many ways to care for yourself through grief, and it is hoped that this toolkit will help you explore different options to find works best for you.

If you do have someone you trust, staying in regular contact — even in small, simple ways — can make a difference. Those who will listen without judgment, or be comfortable sitting with you in silence will help you to feel understood and supported. Consider asking your trusted person to get out of the house with you on a regular basis, whether it is to go for a walk, or go for a coffee or to a movie theatre. This kind of change in environment may allow your mind to focus on something other than your loss, and remind you of the value of having people in your life.

Trusted people also offer help with tasks that have become more challenging as you grieve. Some Autistic people find a strategy called ‘body doubling’ to be helpful. It can help you to get things done during this difficult time in your life. Simply having another person present while you complete a task, offering hands-on support, or just being present to help you move through all steps, can increase your productivity. Being on a call with someone else such that both people on the call are doing chores is another example of body doubling.

Consider asking your supportive person for help with attending doctor appointments, meal prep or household cleaning—all tasks which may fall by the wayside as grief can reduce motivation and ability to start and finish tasks. To the degree to which you are able, continue your regular routines and activities, as they can offer structure. If you would find it helpful to have someone accompany you with routines, and you have a trusted person available, ask for their help if you are able. If that is not possible, it is a valid option to find ways to move through your routines at your own pace, adjusting them to suit your current ability. The routines you develop exist to support you, and not to create more stress.

Another social option is to continue to connect or begin connecting with your Autistic community. There may be online or in-person options in your area. Spending an hour or more with people who have life experiences similar to yours can be very supportive and can help you feel less alone. There are other online options that can be helpful. Currently, Discord and Facebook groups may have other Autistic adults navigating grief from a variety of life experiences including death, divorce, late-in-life diagnosis or other non-traditional life events.

Another option we will address in greater detail in Section Bis scheduling regular time with a therapist or counsellor. It is important to know that not everyone requires a therapist’s support. However, if you have access to therapy services, you may find value in speaking with a professional even when you are coping well. A therapist can help you to understand and make sense of what you are experiencing.

Sometimes, a person may show signs of depression, Autistic Burnout, or other worrying symptoms that might indicate compromised mental health. We will address those signs that indicate you should seek professional help in section B titled, “When to Seek Professional Help”. Section C helps you to understand what to look for in a therapist.

Professional help may allow you to connect with a supportive person who will give you a time and place to share any questions or feelings you have about your loss and its impact on you.

 

Communication Supports

As an Autistic person, there are also communication supports you can use to help yourself through some of the challenges that come with grief and loss. It is common for Autistic people to have difficulty identifying and expressing what they are feeling. Setting aside a regular time to express your feelings in a journal or through an artistic medium like working with clay, painting or drawing can help you explore your emotions without having to use spoken words.

When you are struggling, it is a good idea to ask for help. However, a communication challenges Autistic people may experience is asking others for help. The reasons for this can include, but are not limited to, the following:

• feeling like a failure when you cannot handle something on your own,
• difficulty coping with rejection in knowing that a negative response to your request would be very distressing,
• inability to speak at all in overwhelming or stressful situations (also called ‘situational mutism’),
• fear of using the telephone,
• ·or a lack of options to meet your communication preferences.

If you find it challenging to ask for help, there are some strategies you can try, as exemplified below.

Consider communicating via text or email. If you struggle to make phone calls to professionals (such as doctors) who don’t text or won’t provide emails, try writing yourself a script for the call, then calling their office number after work hours end.

Leave a message briefly explaining that you need help and why, and that you are trying to make an appointment. Tell them or remind them that for you, being Autistic means communicating with spoken words is difficult in this situation. Let them know what days and times are best for you, and what way of meeting is best if virtual and in-person are both offered. Your message should include a request for them to a leave a full response on your voicemail, with an option or options for an appointment.

Texting can be especially helpful for you to ask trusted friends or family for help. Be specific (‘Can you spend Saturday afternoon with me to help me clean my apartment?) and ask them if they could continue to communicate via text rather than by phone. If you and the person you want to contact generally communicate via email, that is a good option as well.

For Autistic people who are non-speakers and communicate in other ways, spend time with those who are fluent in your communication method so you can feel supported as you communicate about whatever you wish. If there are no words in your vocabulary to express your emotions, ask your communication partner if they can teach you some new words to help you to understand and express what you are feeling.

 

Sensory Supports

One of the most important ways you can help yourself through the grief and loss experience is to honour your sensory requirements. After all, sensory experiences that are not well-matched to your needs can cause sensory overwhelm, which can add anxiety, shutdown or meltdown to the list of ways grief and loss manifest for you. To the extent you are able, avoid situations you know are challenging (large family gatherings or movie theatres with surround sound or 3D films, for example).

Seek out those sensory experiences you find very calming, such as walking in nature, having a nice warm bath or shower, or watching television while wrapped in a soft weighted blanket. Keep your noise-cancelling headphones with you and consider noise-cancelling earbuds if you find you are more sensitive to the sounds in your environment. Ear buds drown out ambient noise yet allow you to have and hear a conversation.

If you work, see if you can identify a quiet, calm space to retreat when you need a break. If there is no space in your building and you are fortunate enough to have a car, the vehicle is a good option. You can decompress by listening to nature sounds, scrolling YouTube, texting with a supportive person, or using a sensory or fidget item. You may be a sensory seeker and you find brisk walks during breaks calm you down and clear your head. Prioritize whatever sensory considerations make you feel best, as you consider which self-help strategies will be most useful and doable for you.

As a final thought: where possible, avoid situations where you feel you must mask your sensory needs. Enduring sensory experiences that are distressing or painful can only add to any exhaustion and low mood caused by your grief and loss.

Learn more here:

• Sensory & Motor Strategies Collection
• Emotional Regulation and Dysregulation in Autism: Considerations in Adulthood

 

Emotional Supports

One of the most important strategies in coping with grief is to allow whatever emotions arise to exist without judgment. You might experience familiar emotions, new emotions, or a mixture of both — and whatever you feel is valid. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, and no expectation to process emotions in a certain order or at a certain speed. Avoid the negative self-talk where you tell yourself unhelpful things: that you should be over it already, that things will never feel better, that you are weak for grieving the loss of a job or the end of your school program.

All of your emotions are valid. Grief is hard. One of the most helpful strategies is to practice self-compassion by telling yourself that everyone grieves differently, and no one—including you—should be making negative judgments about how you are moving through this.

Mindfulness practice, where the mind focuses on the present moment only, is a way to calm your body and mind. For some. it can reduce the unpleasant body sensations that accompany grief, loss and anxiety. You can practice Mindfulness anywhere, and once you know how to do it, it is a resource you will always have with you. If sitting in silence or listening to the sound of your own beathing provokes anxiety, different forms of Mindfulness practice, such as Mindful walking, may be helpful. Mindfulness can be applied to almost any activity you engage in.

The idea is to focus only on what you are doing in the very moment of the Mindfulness practice. Though there has been some very positive research on the benefits of Mindfulness when adapted for Autistic people, very few people around the world have a specialization in this area. Some helpful resources will be available as part of this toolkit if you want to learn more about this coping strategy that you can do anywhere.

If you are grieving the death of a loved and trusted person, or a beloved pet, another way to provide emotional support to yourself is to create little rituals to remember the loved one. As one of many examples, you may want to plant a tree if you live in a home where you can do that, or you could grow a plant if you live in an apartment. This will give you a tangible reminder of your special bond with the deceased and allow you to nurture and care for your plant or tree.

You may want to keep a journal where you communicate with the lost loved one. This will allow you to share your good days, your bad days, and your milestones with them. If your grief stems from a less traditional source, such as the end of a friendship, missing out on a promotion, or moving to a new neighbourhood, keep in mind that journalling is a very effective way to share your feelings regarding these experiences as well.

 

Cognitive Supports

Grieving can impact your thoughts, and this can lead to self-blame, regret and rumination. As an Autistic person, you may have difficulty accepting that you were unfairly treated and/or fired from your job. Night after night, you may toss and turn in bed going over and over the termination in your head. Overthinking prevents you from getting enough sleep.

Perhaps your parents have just announced a divorce and even though you are a young adult, you can’t help but blame yourself. For instance, you may feel you have been a burden and are the cause of your parents’ unhappiness, though both your parents and years of being present for their unhappy union suggest otherwise. When you find yourself trapped in these kinds of ruminations, there are some cognitive supports you can use to distract your mind from these harmful thoughts.

You can spend time with your favourite activity. Do you love to read? Make regular trips to the library. If you cannot focus long enough to sit still and read a book, try using audiobooks. Do you love board games? See if there is a boardgame club in your town or city or ask a trusted person to help you start your own. When you find yourself going down the path of negative, looping thoughts, stop what you are doing and instead, do what you love: Engage in your special interest. Play a video game. Watch a funny movie. Do a puzzle. Take a warm bath or shower.

If the negative thoughts are persistent, consider setting aside a time each day in your schedule to write those thoughts down without judgment to release the pressure they cause. As soon as you’ve done that, put your notebook away and shift your attention to the next tasks on your routine. Knowing you will have time each day to clear your emotions related to the loss can make it more bearable and help you make sense of your loss. Grief and loss can take away your motivation to take on this project, however.

Ask a supportive family member or friend to help you move forward with this. Sometimes, it is just helpful to have someone there when the task is being done. You may find some comfort and accomplishment in being able to follow your regular routine. It can help you to regain a sense of control over parts of your life. Simple visual reminders can support your cognitive abilities that can be compromised during your period of grief and loss.

 

Community Supports

The last category for self-help ideas is community supports. It is important to know that available supports will vary among provinces and territories, from city to city and town to town.

You can start by asking your family doctor or local autism agency if there are any government-funded therapy programs that might help. Realistically, there are few supports available, but if your region happens to have something to offer, you can decide if you’d like to move forward with it. It is always most helpful to work with someone who understands how to support Autistic people effectively. You have the right to ask anyone offering help if they have experience with, and understanding of, the Autistic community.

If you have benefits through your employer or access to private therapy, you may have better luck finding a professional with extensive experience working with Autistic people. For more information, check out section B titled, When to Seek Professional Help.

You may have provincial or territorial autism organizations that offer social groups, or support groups that you can engage in person or online. These autism organizations may have lending libraries with autism-related books and/or sensory items. AIDE Canada lends books for free—postage including the return is provided. The AIDE Canada Library also has eBooks and Audiobooks available. Some municipalities may have home care services that can provide help with household tasks.

There may be volunteer organizations that can provide transportation to and from medical appointments when necessary. To find out what may be available in your area, contact your local autism agency and ask where you can find a service navigator (a person who helps you find the services and programs you are looking for). These professionals are familiar with the supports, services, and funding that may be available to you and can guide you accordingly. Of course, it may be difficult for you to find your way through the bureaucracy, so it may be helpful to ask a family member or friend to help you get started, particularly if you have anxiety around phone calls, or cannot advocate for yourself or ask questions in some situations.

You can also find free support online. There are many groups in online spaces such as Facebook, Discord, or TikTok for Autistic people to share experiences and ask questions on topics like grief and loss. Websites run by Autistic people provide valuable insights and community connections. Exploring these resources can help you feel validated, connected, and supported. It feels good to be in the company of others who can strongly relate to your experience.

With the help of a service navigator and supportive loved ones, you can discover services that may help during your grief. Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Asking for help is okay—most people want to support loved ones during hard times. Try self-help strategies that suit your needs, adjusting them as necessary. By taking an active role in your recovery, you may find your days gradually becoming more manageable.

 

Be Aware of Your Screentime

We all love our smartphones. They are, by design, addictive. They also provide us with information, a way to communicate with people around the world, to quench our thirst for knowledge, and to get our questions answered. That being said, Autistic people often struggle with sleep concerns, and the phone is a contributing factor. It is hard to stop scrolling, and many people sleep with their phones fully charged beside them.

Here’s some relevant information: viewing screen screens can make it very difficult to fall asleep. Watching a screen keeps us on high alert—it is hard to convince our brain that it is bedtime with all that light and excitement on the screen.

Tired people have difficulty managing their emotions. They can also struggle with executive functioning skills such as starting a task, planning, organizing, and managing time—all skills that allow us to get through responsibilities of our daily life. When we are tired, we can be irritable, forgetful, more distractable than usual, and have difficulty starting anything.

If you have the energy to make one positive change, turn off all screens (laptops and televisions included) at least one hour before bed. It won't be easy, but if you get into the habit of charging your phone outside of your bedroom, using night mode and turning on your blue light filter, you are setting yourself up for success. You can also try listening to YouTube videos instead of watching, subscribing to audio-only podcasts and listening to those as you wind down for the night, listening to audiobooks, or keeping a good book at your bedside.

AIDE Canada has the largest library in Canada of books on autism. You can borrow any of their resources free by registering online. These resources will be mailed it to you for free, and return postage is paid. The library also offers eBooks and Audiobooks free of charge.

Learn more here:

• Sleep Issues among Autistic Adults: A Review of Selected Literature
• Sleep Challenges in Developmental Disabilities

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Section B: How to Recognize When Professional Help May Be Needed

Autistic people often experience grief in response to a wide range of losses throughout their lifetime—triggered by a variety of situations, including disrupted routine, the end of a friendship, late diagnosis, or the death of a loved one. This vulnerability to grief, paired with high rates of anxiety and depression common in the Autistic community, can make coping with grief especially challenging. Recognizing when grief is becoming unmanageable is key to ensuring the Autistic person gets the help they need.

Grief may first show up through prolonged social withdrawal, as the person avoids loved ones and friends, or disconnects from activities they usually love to take part in. Frequent meltdowns or shutdowns, especially when they leave the person physically and emotionally drained for long periods, can be another sign that help may be needed. Changes in routines, either an ongoing inability to maintain personal care, household cleaning, work or school tasks, or alternately, a strict and inflexible reliance on routines different in nature than is usual for the person, may indicate an emotional struggle.

It is understandable that all of this can be confusing, and indeed, these can be signs of grief in Autistic people. Certainly, the grief process should not be pathologized. If expected grief-related emotional, social, sensory and behavioural responses change over time in terms of their depth and intensity, consider the support of a professional to help guide the person. The grief may have become too much to bear.

Here are some common types of professional support:

• Drop-in counselling: Short-term emotional support you can access when you need someone to listen, without a long wait or commitment.
• Individual therapy: One-on-one support to help you process grief at your own pace, understand your emotions, and build coping strategies.
• Family therapy: Help for families to grieve together, strengthen communication, and support each other.
• Group therapy: A way to connect with others who are also grieving, so you feel less alone in what you are experiencing.
• Psychoeducation: Learning about grief, emotional responses, and practical ways to take care of yourself during difficult times.
• Psychiatry: Support for mental health challenges like depression or anxiety, with options for assessment, advice, and treatment, if needed.
• Occupational therapy (OT): Help with keeping routines, managing sensory needs, and finding ways to make daily life feel more manageable.
• Speech-language pathology (SLP): Support with finding words, communication tools, or other ways to express grief when talking feels too hard.
• Art therapy: Creative activities like drawing, painting, or sculpture to safely express emotions when words are not enough.
• Support from a Doctor (Primary Care): Help with physical health needs, support for sleep or appetite changes, and referrals to other kinds of support if you want them.

If you are uncertain whether or not changes, feelings and behaviours require professional support, consider an initial consultation with a professional. Many will provide a free consultation to help you decide if they are right for you and if their help is needed.

However, there are indications when professional help becomes critical. The following is list of signs to watch for:

• Refusing food, water, or basic care: Struggling to meet everyday needs, which can put physical health at risk.
• Sudden or extreme changes in behaviour: Acting very differently from one’s usual ways of being that seems worrying, confusing, or unsafe.
• Expressing deep hopelessness or despair: Talking about feeling trapped, lost, or believing that nothing will ever get better.
• Sharing thoughts about wanting to disappear or not be here anymore: Thinking about suicide, self-harm, or simply wanting the pain to end.
• Becoming disconnected from reality: Seeming far away, unresponsive, or unsure of what is happening around them.
• Showing signs of psychosis or delusion: Seeing or hearing things others do not or holding strong beliefs that do not match the surrounding reality.

These situations require immediate intervention to make certain the person is safe during the difficult experience of processing grief.

 Here is a list of the types of interventions that may be available where you live:

• Crisis line support: Someone to talk to by phone, text, or chat when things feel too heavy to manage alone.
• Mobile crisis team: Trained mental health workers who can come to where you are and help figure out the next safest steps.
• Emergency department at a hospital: A place to get immediate care if your safety, or someone else’s safety, is at risk.
• Emergency psychiatric assessment: A deeper look at what’s happening and what kind of support might help you feel safer and more grounded.
• Hospital admission (voluntary or involuntary): A safe place to rest and get support if the risk of harm is too high to manage at home.
• Urgent appointment with a family doctor or psychiatrist: Quick access to medical support, crisis planning, and connection to other services that can help.

Additional Signs That an Autistic Person Experiencing Grief or Loss May Need Professional Help

• Persistent and prolonged social isolation beyond what is usual.
• Greatly reduced frequency of communication or inability to communicate.
• New or increased avoidance of physical touch and other sensory sensitivities.
• Frequent meltdowns due to sensory overwhelm.
• Frequent emotional meltdowns that are notable by their extended duration and intensity.
• Sudden, frequent crying episodes.
• Ongoing irritability and low frustration tolerance.
• Persistent feelings of deep sadness over many weeks or months.
• Ongoing rumination over the loss including feelings of guilt and shame.
• Preoccupation with death or loss.
•  Increase in the intensity and frequency of panic attacks or the experience of anxiety.
• Marked change in sleep patterns: sleeping too much or very little.
• Change in relationship to food—consistently eating very little or too much.
• Complete disinterest in activities they've always enjoyed.
• New or increased stimming behaviours.
• Marked increase in usual focus on areas of interest.
• Marked insistence on adherence to routines that are unique for the person.
• Inability to manage routines or responsibilities.

**Please note that while these can also be Autistic traits, it is a change in behaviour and the depth and intensity of these responses that can indicate the person needs professional support. This is not a comprehensive list.**

 

Red Flag Signs That an Autistic Person Needs Urgent Help

• Intense feelings of hopelessness that don’t go away.
• Overwhelming, debilitating grief that disrupts all areas of life.
• Repeated expressions of feeling like a burden to others.
• Expressions of suicidal thoughts or behaviours.
• Statements indicating a lack of will to live.
• Mentions threats or signs of self-harm.
• Unexplained physical injuries.
• Sudden acts of aggression.
• May be non-responsive to communication or appear catatonic.
• Complete detachment from reality.
• Symptoms of psychosis (e.g., hallucinations or delusions).
• Decreased attention to hygiene or other personal needs.
• Refusal to eat meals or to hydrate.
• Intense panic attacks.
• Destroying personal belongings or property.
• Reckless or risky behaviours.

Learn more here:

• Symptoms of Autistic Grief & Loss
• Grief and Loss Collection

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Section C: What to Look for in a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist 

Key Qualities and Skills in Therapists for Supporting Autistic Grief

When an Autistic person is navigating the challenging experience of grief or loss, it is critical to find the right therapist. Therapy is expensive, and if you are going to invest time and money into your treatment—especially when you are in crisis—you want it to be successful. Find the kind of therapist that is described in this section, and you should be well on your way.

You will want to identify a therapist who has expertise in providing grief and loss therapy, and someone who has expertise and experience working with Autistic people. Given that Autistic people will bring their own unique communication styles and sensory requirements to the therapy experience, the therapist must know how to support these to build a supportive, empathetic, and helpful therapeutic relationship. Read on to consider some characteristics to look for if you or an Autistic person you know needs help processing grief.

 

Things to Look for in a Therapist for an Autistic Person Struggling with Grief or Loss

• Neurodiversity-Affirming Approach
• Expertise in Grief and Loss
• Deep Understanding of Working with Autistic People
• Understanding Communication Challenges
• Flexibility and Patience
• Sensory Sensitivity Awareness
• Ability to Create a Safe and Trusting Relationship
• Understanding Autistic Expression Beyond the White Male Stereotype

 

Neurodiversity-Affirming Approach

Neurological differences like autism are a natural part of human diversity and shouldn’t be treated as flaws to be fixed. The good news for the Autistic community is that it is possible to find neurodiversity-affirming professionals to provide therapy if your grief experience has been extremely difficult and requires a professional. Neurodiversity-affirming professionals focus on the strengths of the Autistic client to provide support that is most comfortable for them.

This type of therapy respects and provides for sensory sensitivities and communication preferences, and will adapt the therapeutic process to ensure the person feels validated and understood. For Autistic people who may have had unsuccessful experiences with therapy in the past, this may be the first time they have felt this way with a professional, since it is so rare to find people who understand the way Autistic people may think, experience the sensory world, and interact with others.

The client can expect the session to meet their sensory needs (sure…keep your coat on, wear your sunglasses, bring your stuffie, sketchbook to doodle on, or a fidget). No one will tell you to “Look at me,” or suggest you are wasting your time if you are unable to speak during the session. There are actually modalities that a therapist can use that require much less or no talking (EMDR therapy or hypnotherapy, for example), so if you do your research and are interested in either of these research-based methods, look for a therapist who includes those options.

Learn more here: Autistic Grief and Loss: An Interview with a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist

 

Expertise in Grief and Loss

Grief is a deeply personal experience, and having a therapist who truly understands its many forms can make all the difference. A professional trained in the common human experiences of grief and loss is often ideal, especially if they also have expertise in trauma. For Autistic people, this means working with someone who recognizes how grief can present in many different ways, from an unexpected death or a terminal diagnosis of a loved one to less obvious losses, like changes in routines or the end of college.

For Autistic people, grief doesn’t only arise from death or divorce; it might also come when a best friend moves away, an opportunity is lost, or they lose a job. A therapist who truly understands Autistic clients will know how to respect and support all these forms of grief.

Because grief often feels different for Autistic people, it’s important to find a therapist who understands those differences. They should be flexible in their approach, meeting the person where they are emotionally and tailoring their support to fit the person’s needs. This includes recognizing how grief might uniquely affect an Autistic client and understanding the specific ways it may show up. A grief therapist like this creates a safe, supportive space where an Autistic person can feel understood and empowered to work through their grief in their own way.

 

Deep Understanding of Working with Autistic People

A therapist working with an Autistic person must have a profound understanding of autism itself—how it affects communication, sensory processing, emotional regulation, and social interaction. The therapist should have training or significant experience working specifically with Autistic persons.

Some therapists may themselves be Autistic or neurodiverse, or have family members who are Autistic. This can be an advantage in the professional’s practice. The combination of personal ties to the Autistic community, their education, and their experience working with Autistic people may have taught them this: every adaptation provided in counselling and every personalized accommodation for Autistic communication or sensory needs is crucial for the successful service to the client.

The therapist knows that many Autistic people process emotions in ways unique from neurotypical people. A good therapist will be patient and skilled at meeting the person where they are, meaning they accept the person’s current thoughts and feelings without judgment. Also, they will never push the client to adopt a different emotional mindset or to work at a faster pace.

One of the best ways for an Autistic person to find a great therapist is to connect with the Autistic community and ask. This can be done through Discord or Facebook groups, where you can ask community members for their recommendations.

 

Understanding Communication Challenges

Communication style and experiences are among the most important considerations for a therapist working with an Autistic person. For an Autistic client seeking therapy, a therapist should be ready to address any communication circumstances that occur, including situational mutism, alexithymia, or alternative communication methods.

Situational mutism, where a person becomes temporarily nonspeaking in some environments or overwhelming emotional situations, may manifest when a person is grieving. A therapist should be comfortable with silence, which can create a safe space for the person to process emotions without forcing verbal expression. A good therapist will have alternative approaches available when this occurs or may decide patience is what is needed as a strong and trusting rapport continues to build.

As described earlier in the toolkit, alexithymia is a common Autistic experience of struggling to identify and describe emotions. This can make it challenging for some Autistic people to express their grief. A therapist can accommodate this in many ways and be ready to do so. Visual supports can be used to enhance the person's ability to label their feelings. Visual aids such as video clips, photos, or other graphics can be used as well. The therapist should have the ability to use body awareness exercises to identify feelings or to use metaphors to explain emotions. For example, the therapist may say things like, “anger is like a can of pop ready to burst open,” “hopelessness is like getting lost in a pitch-black forest with no flashlight or cellphone,” or, “feeling depressed is like walking around with a heavy steel shell around your body.”

Finally, the therapist should be familiar with alternative communication methods. The therapist and the Autistic person can communicate by writing, texting, or drawing, or by using AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices. Examples of these are apps that can convert text-to-speech or using a communication board that has words and pictures to point at. The cornerstone of grief therapy for an Autistic person lies in the therapist's willingness to adapt to and work with whatever communication style best supports their needs.

 

Flexibility and Patience

Grief doesn’t follow a straight path, and for many Autistic people, it can feel even more unpredictable. That’s why therapists need to be flexible and adapt their approach to fit the person’s needs. For example, if someone gets overwhelmed, they might need more breaks during sessions. On the other hand, someone who depends on routines might benefit from more structure and predictability.

Patience is essential because the person may take longer to process their feelings or find it hard to put their emotions into words right away. The therapist must wait for the person who needs to process before responding to a question. When time spent with the professional is notable for its calm environment, it is a sign that this therapy can help the person through grief without adding unnecessary anxiety or stress.

 

Sensory Sensitivity Awareness

For Autistic people, grief is one of the emotions (another is anxiety) that can heighten sensory sensitivities. This means an Autistic therapy client may arrive at grief therapy with heightened sensory responses to loud noises, certain sounds, smells, textures, and visual stimuli.

A grief therapist working with Autistic clients will adapt their space with these sensory needs in mind. Their quiet waiting room and therapy room should be scent-free, decorated in neutral colours with comfortable seating, and visually uncluttered, with soft lighting. Both rooms should also include several fidget items for clients to use. This respect for and attention to sensory needs can help avoid sensory overwhelm, allowing the person to focus more fully on their therapy session.

 

Ability to Develop a Trusting Relationship

For all therapists, the ability to develop and sustain a trusting therapeutic relationship between themselves and their clients is very important. For those who work with Autistic people, it is critical. Autistic people who have had disappointing or negative therapy experiences in the past, may have difficulty trusting a new therapist. Those who struggle to feel comfortable in social interaction may have the similar challenges. A therapist who is experienced working with Autistic people will be familiar with these challenges, and hopefully will work with the Autistic person by first acknowledging their hesitation and fear, and then support ways to establish trust.

The onus is squarely on the therapist to create that sense of trust by accepting the Autistic person with unconditional positive regard and without judgment. This concept, developed by psychologist Carl Rogers, means the client should expect empathy and acceptance, and should not worry about rejection or disapproval as they grow in therapy.

For Autistic people who indeed are not strangers to unfair judgment or rejection, working with a grief therapist who is committed to this positive standard of acceptance and positive regard opens the door to the possibility of trust and growth through therapy.

 

Understanding Autistic Expression Beyond the White Male Stereotype

From sea to sea, it remains a consistent complaint among the Canadian Autistic community that when it comes to finding professionals who understand that Autism can exist beyond the stereotypes of the Sheldon Cooper genius in The Big Bang Theory and the Autistic savant Raymond Babbit in Rain Man, this country falls short. Knowledge among professionals about the various ways Autistic traits may be expressed in speaking Autistics without cognitive delay is sadly lacking. Those born female often fell through the cracks, as did those born male who did not fit the Autistic male stereotype and intersex people. If you, or the Autistic person you care about, had that experience, or if you come from a marginalized community (racialized groups, Indigenous people, immigrants or refugees, 2SLGBTQIA+ people), please ensure that the therapist you select is knowledgeable in how Autistic traits and characteristics may be differently expressed rather than only as commonly understood. These additional intersections, shown above, can also magnify the lack of knowledge a given therapist may have, and highlights the importance of a therapist’s understanding and expertise to effectively support Autistic people.

The importance of this knowledge cannot be overstated. Without understanding about how being Autistic may be expressed beyond stereotypes, a therapist risks misunderstanding or mischaracterizing an Autistic person’s feelings or behaviours. A lack of understanding gets in the way of developing trust, and without that, therapy fails. The therapist needs to accept the Autistic person for who they are, without judgment, so that they can feel seen and understood. Take the time to find a therapist who embraces the diversity in the Autistic community. This acceptance helps the Autistic person feel seen, heard, and respected. When this happens, healing can begin. A therapist who truly understands the diversity within the Autistic community can help the Autistic person feel comfortable communicating their feelings and experiences as they work through their grief.

 

Summary: Finding a neurodiversity-affirming therapist

It is worth the time and effort to identify the right therapist to work with an Autistic person experiencing grief. Each time an Autistic person engages with a professional for help, tries a new strategy or a new professional, there is that glimmer of hope that this time—this time!—will make a positive difference. Unfortunately, there is a stark lack of professionals who understand what it can mean to be Autistic, and that dashes hope. Where are the professional-level courses that teach licenced professionals beyond the pathologized view of autism?

This is a knowledge gap that needs to be addressed! As a result of this current gap, Autistics and their families spend a lot of money and energy in the hope of alleviating some of the deep shame, sadness, and guilt that accumulate as a result of their experiences navigating the non-Autistic culture. Autistics spend a lot of money and effort trying to recover from the grief of being misunderstood for a lifetime.

There can be no promise that the therapist you work with will make a significant difference for you or your child. What can be said, though, is that the Autistic person may be in the best position to succeed when they find a professional with as many of the following skills and traits as possible:

• Brings a neurodiversity-affirming orientation;
• Is flexible and patient;
• Deeply understands the Autistic experience, including beyond gendered stereotypes;
• Is knowledgeable about the unique ways Autistic people experience grief; and
• Provides sensory and communication considerations.

With all of this, the sessions are more likely to include patience, unconditional acceptance and non-judgment. The growing availability of neurodiversity-affirming therapists with expertise in grief and loss gives me hope for Autistic people who are suffering from grief and are seeking help.

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Section D: Loss and Grief Resources

Sample Letter of Inquiry for Therapy Services

Below is a sample letter you can copy and paste into an email and send to a potential professional therapist.

 

Subject: Inquiry About Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy Services

Dear [name of therapist],

I hope this email finds you well. My name is [your name here], and I am seeking a neurodiversity-affirming therapist to help me address chronic symptoms of grief and loss. It’s most comfortable for me to start by asking questions by email. Thank you for your understanding.

I would appreciate it if you could answer the following questions:

1. Neurodiversity-Affirming Practices
• How does your approach reflect neurodiversity-affirming principles?
• Can you share specific ways you integrate these values into your therapy sessions?
2. Support for Autistic Communication Needs
• How do you accommodate clients who may lose the ability to speak during moments of overwhelm or stress?
• Are alternative communication methods, such as typing or writing, supported in your sessions?
3. Sensory-Friendly Environment
• What is the sensory environment of your practice and can I request for my specific needs?
4. Experience and Specialization
• What background and expertise do you have in connection to the Autistic community?
• How has your education and experience working with Autistic adults prepared you to support me in navigating grief and loss?
• What therapeutic modalities or techniques do you typically use for addressing grief in Autistic clients?
5. Practicalities
• Are sessions offered in-person, virtually, or both?
• Are you available for new clients?

 

I appreciate your time in answering these questions. Your responses will help determine if we could work well together. If we might be a good match, I’d love to arrange a follow-up consultation.

Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

[Your name in full]

 

Symptoms of Autistic Grief & Loss Infographic

**Please note that while the following signs of grief and loss can be common Autistic traits, it is a change in behaviour and the depth and intensity of these responses that may indicate the person needs professional support. This is not a comprehensive list.**

 

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Aide Canada Library

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

• Where do the stars go? by Zahra Nanji & Fatima Sunderji
• I have a question about: Death? A book for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder or Other Special Needs by Arlen Grad Gaines and Meredith Englander Polsky
• Finding your own way to grieve: a creative activity workbook for kids and teens on the autism spectrum by Karla Helbert

 

BOOKS FOR ADULTS

• How people with autism grieve, and how to help: an insider handbook by Deborah Lipsky
• Autism and Loss by Rachel Forrester-Jones and Sarah Broadhurst
• Unbroken: learning to live beyond diagnosis by Alexis Quinn
  *Includes graphic descriptions of self-harm, suicide, and sexual assault
• Living through suicide loss with an autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) : an insider guide for individuals, family, friends, and professional responders by Lisa Morgan, M.ED

 

BOOKS FOR PROFESSIONALS

• Coping with loss edited by Colin Murray Parkes and Andrew Markus

 

eBooks

• Neurodivergent voices series - Grief by Kit Caelsto

 

ONLINE RESOURCES

WEBINARS

• Autistic Grief and Loss: An Interview with a Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapist - by Amy MacFarlane and Maxine Share
• Grief and Autism: Lived-Experience Perspectives - Moderated by Maxine Share

 

VIDEOS

• Grief and Autism Navigating Loss Differently - By Orion Kelly

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Photo by Min An on Pexels